Hi {{firstName}},
Your homepage headline reads: "{{currentHeadline}}". It's fine. It explains what you do.
A version that converts better might be: "{{rewrittenHeadline}}" — same promise, sharper subject, half the words.
I rewrite landing copy for B2B brands. I picked yours because the product is good and the copy is undersold.
Happy to send you a full top-of-page rewrite — no obligation. Yes or no?
— {{senderFirstName}}Demonstration beats description. Showing the recipient a real rewrite of their own copy is worth 50 lines of credentials. The 'yes or no?' close is direct and forces a decision — most prospects respect it. Risk: if your rewrite is mediocre, you're worse off. Only ship this template when you can actually do the work.
Drop your draft into our editor. One anonymous run, no signup required.